What Feeds Extramarital Infatuations?

What Feeds Extramarital Infatuations?

By Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.

Yet another person sitting in my office, trying to explain why his marriage was doomed for failure, and his "new love" was right!

"Greg" is a good guy. He is successful, nice, well spoken. . . by all external accounts, he's got it all. His wife of 18 years stays home and raises their two kids. Who would know that Greg is ready to "chuck it all," as he told me?

You see, part of Greg's job requires him to travel internationally. He loves the new places he gets to see, and for years, that has been the extent of his travels. But last year, Greg spent a good deal of time in Spain.

While there, he met someone. He didn't mean to, but he did. They were working together and really hit it off. At first, she just offered to show him the sites of her town. Those afternoon trips eventually led to evening dinners. Soon, Greg was spending weekends touring Spain, but with his new "friend." Eventually, they "crossed the line," to use his euphemism. I would argue that a line was crossed WAY before then!

Now, Greg has a problem. He is back in the states, but his "heart is in Spain," to tell it like he does. He finds himself thinking about this other person constantly. He told me "I hate to call it love, but that's what it feels like."

I don't call it love. I call it infatuation. And Greg has fallen into a trap. It is a trap that is insipid and dangerous.

Affairs don't just happen. And contrary to what some claim, it is not "just about the sex." It is about the emotional and physical charge that is a part of infatuation.

I honestly don't know if Greg's marriage will survive this, not because it couldn't but because Greg is lying to himself. . . and he doesn't even know it!

Our brain plays tricks on us, and Greg's is fooling him. We like to have everything "make sense," even if from the outside, there is no sense to it. We like to find evidence that supports what we are doing. Social psychologists tell us that we, as humans, do not tolerate "cognitive dissonance" very well.

Cognitive dissonance is when we try to hold two mutually exclusive ideas in our heads at the same time. For example, pretty much everyone knows that smoking is bad for you. But people still smoke. A smoker has to hold two ideas, "smoking is bad" and "I like to smoke" in their head at the same time. To do this, smokers have to rationalize, look for "confirmation bias" (some piece of information that makes it OK, thank you Tobacco Industry!), or some other way of justification.

Greg is no different. His cognitive dissonance? "I am married," and "I like this other person." How will he solve this? Well, like many others who have been unfaithful, Greg relies on two justifications at the same time: "idealization" and "demonization/devaluation."

First, idealization. Greg is idealizing this other person. Fact is, he is alone, in a beautiful and romantic location, and has no emotional baggage with this other person. That is a setup for problems. If nothing else, reality TV has demonstrated that strong feelings of attraction can be generated between people, given the right location and circumstances.

And Greg got sucked right into that one! He has idealized the other person so much that he has constructed an unrealistic picture of what life would be like with her. A life of sightseeing, sex in hotels, and seeing each other only at their best is not real life. It is not being tired after work, dealing with children, paying bills, seeing the mess someone leaves in the bathroom, or any other real encounter.

So, Greg has idealized this other person. He admits that. But it is harder to see that he as demonized and devalued his wife. Sure, they have disagreements. Welcome to 100% of married couples! But Greg has forgotten that. He now sees the disagreements of proof-positive that they are not meant for each other. Greg's wife doesn't meet all his needs. Again, welcome to marriage! But Greg takes the next step and begins to only see the faults. He fails to see the love his wife does show. He forgets about all the ways they have woven their lives together.

Once both sides are activated, idealization and demonization, recovering a marriage is very difficult. It requires complete and total cut-off from the other person (infatuation does go away). It also requires being open to seeing the love and connection that really are there.

Most of all, it requires commitment to work through the issues. That is what I am waiting for. Will Greg "step up to the plate" and honor his commitment, or will he continue to fool himself? Time will tell.

Learn how to save your marriage with our Free Marriage Course.

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Rule 1 For Saving Your Marriage

Everything started fine for Sue and Bill. They met in college, dated through their first few years out, and found good jobs. After 5 years of dating, it was time for the next step.

So surrounded by family and friends, they married and started their life together. They split the bills, split house duties, and carried on with life.

About 9 years into their marriage, they arrived in my office, both completely depleted, each feeling like he/she was carrying the burden of everything.

In the first 15 minutes, each tried to top the other on their contribution, and how important what he/she did as compared to the other.

And with that, I knew that Sue and Bill had made the single biggest mistake in marriage. They were so close to the secret to a successful marriage, but never made it.

Do you want to know the one, biggest, simplest, and most difficult secret of marriage? It is right in front of you, but you may miss just how important this one is.

And how subtle the difference is between marriages that fail and those that succeed.

In fact, this is the one piece of information I try to get into every person I see BEFORE they get married. And it is my central goal of working with couples both before and after they marry.

Miss this one, and you will always be caught in malnourished and hobbled relationship.

Ready? Marriage is about building a WE. It is about becoming a solid team, always having each other's back, and always in each other's corner.

WE. Get there, and you will have a successful marriage. Notice, I did not say you would have a trouble-free marriage. Only that you would have a successful marriage.

Every single marriage in the world has challenges and difficult times. The question is really about how you approach the difficulties, not whether you have them.

Being a WE is what gets you through the difficulties.

First, let's talk about what this does NOT mean. This is not being in a permanent "mind-meld" with the other person -- liking the same things, wanting the same things, thinking the same things, completing each other's sentences, blah, blah, blah.

That is a way of pretending you are just alike. It is a false sense of connection that will only last until one or both become honest about who they are.

Second, it is not giving up yourself for the other person, or the other person giving him- or herself up for you.

And perhaps an obvious third, it is not about building separate lives that come together to pay bills, take care of the house, and raise the kids.

It is about two people deciding -- committing -- to being a team, a unit, a new entity. It is about each supporting the other, but also looking out for what is best for BOTH, for "the whole."

This is that crucial and subtle difference. You can be part of a team, but still see it as a way to get what YOU want. But seeing yourself as part of something that is an entirely new entity -- that is the subtle distinction. It is not cooperation.

It is about being a WE, a new entity.

How close to that are you today?

Do you find yourselves in power struggles?

Do you argue about money, sex, parenting, and other central issues?

Do those arguments often end with little-to-no movement?

Do you feel like you are in a stalemate?

Do you both constantly keep saying (silently or out loud) "What about me?"

Do you feel like you are headed in different directions?

Do you feel the need to disagree or argue your point, even when you mostly or completely agree?

The more you answered "yes" to the above the more you can be sure you have not "made the leap" to being a WE.

Or perhaps you can answer this one question "Do I feel more alone than I want to in this relationship?" If that is "yes," then you know that you are not quite there.

But that doesn't mean it is your fault! Quite the opposite. Unfortunately, our culture does a very bad job in preparing people for marriage.

In other words, nobody told you the goal of marriage was to build a WE, and if they did, they probably didn't tell you:

a) how to do it, and
b) how subtle it can be.

Some couples actually make it there, almost by accident. Others seem to struggle against it, refusing to see the obvious need to get there.

So, let me make a blanket statement: I have never, in well over 20 years of working with couples, seen a couple who made it to WE end in divorce.

But I have seen, repeatedly, when a couple does not get there, the relationship at least deteriorates over time, ending in divorce or internal separation.

There are several reasons why people don't make it to WE. Quickly, let's look at why people don't get there.

Lack of understanding that this is the goal.

This is where our culture has failed us. We have done a poor job, as a society, of letting people know this is even what marriage is about. Thus nearly 50% of marriages end.

Fear of a loss of individuality.

While this is not what happens, since there is so poor of an understanding, people fear this. Again, this is merely a misunderstanding of what it means to be a WE.

Caught in a Fear/Anger cycle.

So, if you don't know this is the goal, and you get caught in the ensuing power struggles, over time, the anger builds. And anger is really a secondary response to fear. The fear is that you will not get what you need, which triggers a very primitive response, which only leads to more power struggle, more fear, more anger.

Perceptions and Misperceptions of each other.

And once you have slipped into the power struggle, and the anger/fear cycle, you begin to justify the situation. We all misperceive the other person. We begin to only see the shortcomings, the lack of investment, etc. At that point, the perception is that the other person is not on your side.

Which raises the question, "How do you get there? How do you become a WE?"

Let me assure you it is possible, and it is even possible if one of you is resistant to getting there.

And let me assure you that we humans are actually designed for this. We are wired to be in relationship, to create that level of relating.

What we really have to do is get ourselves out of our own way and let what should happen actually happen -- become a WE!

Starting Points:

Do not try to address WE with your spouse. Don't announce that you have discovered the secret, and your spouse needs to get on board!

Work on YOUR concept of WE.

Until you understand WE as a concept, you cannot expect your spouse to accept it.

Specific Steps To Being a WE:

Step 1

Make a careful examination of the places that you think "you/me" instead of WE.

Remind yourself that you are part of a WE.

Ask yourself this, "Where do I need to let my spouse in MY world?"

Step 2

Train yourself to think in terms of "we" and "us," not "you" or "me."

Whenever there is a decision, ask the magic question:

What is best for US?

This is a "magic question" because: The answer is more creative than "what is best for me" or "what is best for you."

It forces you to move to WE.

Step 3

Accept YOUR FULL RESPONSIBILITY to be a WE, regardless of your spouse's outlook or actions.

Refuse to be lured into an "if you don't, I won't" approach.

Invite your spouse into WE by your actions, not your expectations.

Are you ready to save your marriage? Visit us at:save your marriage

credit to: Lee H. Baucom

Tips for Building a Loving and Happy Relationship

No one is perfect. No one ever taught us how to build strong loving relationships. But luckily, there are love tips on how to build and maintain a strong, romantic relationship your partner.

Be open and trust each other

When someone is trying to explain a situation, don't interrupt. Even if frustration is taking over, learn to fight fairly. Apologize when needed and do not make threats. If one is really mad, just stop. Just create some space, calm down and reflect. Continue the conversation when one's head has cooled off.

Don't mix the feelings from the facts

To be able to resolve conflicts and see your partner more clearly, one should separate the facts from the feelings. Ask yourself: could there be something in the past that has influenced how I see the situation right now? Judging from instincts is bad for a relationship.

Let Your Whole Body Decide

When making decisions, it's essential to connect with the parts of one's body. Consider what the mid thinks is right, what the heart really wants and if the gut can take it. For example: My mind says "she has so many flaws" but the heart says "she's the perfect woman". Let the different parts of the body communicate. This way, one will find the perfect answer that comes from the whole self.

Be Compassionate

Observe your partner without judging him/her. Being compassionate makes a person connected, open and able to have a respectful conversation with your partner. As a person improves to see the partner compassionately, rather than just reacting, one will be able to choose a response.

Cooperate

A couple must work together in order to maintain a strong relationship. Even though sacrifices have to be made, it is what keeps the relationship stronger for it shows love for one another. Also remember that a couple's differences are not negatives. Being with someone who is exactly like you is sort of boring. Sometimes, people fear that the differences are the ones that make people incompatible, but actually, it makes the relationship more thrilling.

Make Time for Your Relationship

Whatever the person's job is, one should make time for one's partner. This is the only way a couple can maintain a strong relationship physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When in Doubt, Ask Questions

Most of the time, people think that just because one's partner doesn't want to make love, it means that the partner's feelings are gone. In those kinds of situations, never assume. It's best to get the answer from the partner. If he/she doesn't want to talk about it, give it some time and talk about it in a week or two.

Discuss the Hard Topics from Love

Know the hard topics that you aren't discussing with your partner. It is essential to say what one wants and needs to say because this may affect the future relationship of the couple.

There you have it, love tips to build and maintain a strong, happy relationship with your loved one. Remember that change takes time and every little step counts.

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