Top Ten Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage!
By Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
Here it is! My Top 10 Ways to NOT Save Your Marriage! These are the
mistakes I see day-in and day-out. Avoid these mistakes if you want to save
your marriage. Commit these mistakes at your own risk! Free---> 
10) Do nothing! Don't worry, the crisis (problem, situation, incident,
threat, etc.) will pass!
Ah, the old "bury your head in the sand approach!" The reality
is, it is very unlikely that the crisis will simply pass. Let's be honest: over
time, this strategy builds up more and more resentment, then finally, everything
falls apart. You can act surprised at that point, but you will know, deep down
inside, that you ignored things way too long.
It is a cumulative effect, a marriage crisis. Rarely is there one
"precipitating event" that suddenly ends the marriage. Instead, it is
the problem ignored that adds to all the other problems ignored, which finally
creates so much frustration that the "house of cards" falls.
So, the first useless strategy, just do nothing!
9) Refuse to get any outside help. Who needs it? You can do this yourself!
When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis, it is not time to
"figure it out!" One of my favorite quotes is from Albert Einstein,
"the same level of thinking that created the problem will not solve the
problem." In other words, when we only use the thought processes that led
us into trouble, we will not find a way out of the problem.
We all get stuck in our thought patterns. Once we establish them, we don't
change much. Think about it: don't all of your spousal arguments basically
follow the same pattern. Doesn't your daily routine pretty much go the same? We
like "sameness," and change is a bit of a threat. Even the painful
sameness is better than the unknown -- at least that's what we tend to believe.
Problem is, we find ourselves stuck, and without outside help and
information, nothing will change, even if you want it to.
8) Grab some "free advice!" Hey, free is good, right!
Almost always, free advice is worth about that -- nothing! When you are
injured, do you seek out some "free advice" on that injury? Or when
you need some legal advice, do you just get some "free advice?"
So why, when your most important relationship is on the line, would you
just try to use some free advice? Look, we live in a "transaction
society." We make trades and transactions to get what we don't have. And
knowledge is no different. People who give away advice are rarely giving away
anything worthwhile.
The real question, if free is your goal, is how much do you REALLY treasure
your relationship? If I told you how to save $20,000 instantly, would you pay
for it? Well, that is the minimal cash value of your failed marriage. In other
words, a divorce in the U.S. averages $20K. Save your marriage, save $20K.
And what about having a wonderful, loving, peaceful marriage? What is the
worth of that? Really, what price would you put on that? I ask because I know
of plenty of people who think nothing of grabbing a $4 coffee drink every day,
a couple of $3 packs of cigarettes every day, a $30 bottle of wine on the
weekend, subscribe to a $100 cable system, blah, blah, blah. Then, when they go
looking for advice to save their marriage, want to find some free advice.
It is always about value, and the value you place on your marriage. Free
advice? Probably more costly than you can ever realize in the long run.
7) Get some good books, then leave them on the bookstand. Maybe your spouse
will at least think you are doing something!
We authors don't like to admit this, but statistics show that upwards of
80% of self-help books that are bought are never read. Imagine that! The answer
may be right there! You took the time to get a resource, either because the
cover looked nice, somebody recommended it, or because you were desperate.
Then, onto the bed stand it goes, underneath the magazines, the daily
paper, that good novel. . . then suddenly, it is lost.
The very bit of information that could save your marriage, stuck at the
bottom of a stack, never to be read. Sound familiar? If so, time to dust off
the information and give it a read! At least give it a chance. You've already
invested your money in it. Why not give it a test drive?
6) Read the information, but then don't do anything! It won't work in your
situation, anyway!
OK, so you dusted off that information, and even read it. . . but then you
took no action! Maybe the information seemed impossible, far-fetched, too easy,
too complicated, or just dead wrong! Now you do need to use your better
judgement, but perhaps it is worth a try!
What you've been doing has clearly not gotten the results you wanted. So,
perhaps it is time to try something new. Sometimes, new thinking seems foreign,
unnatural. But it is really like anything new: repetition builds skill. What
seems awkward begins to feel more natural. Suddenly, what seemed impossible
seems elementary.
Again, remember Einstein's quote. Doing what you've done hasn't gotten you
what you want. What's the risk of trying something different?
5) Get bad information from unqualified sources. Hey, any information is
better than no information. . . right?
As you have already discovered, there are lots of "experts"
willing to make a buck, er, tell you how to save your marriage. Be sure your
"expert" is really just that. At a minimum, make sure they actually
have some training, not just their own experience! They don't have to have a
Ph.D., but if they can't tell you about their training, other than "been
there, done that," move on!
Experts are experts because they have worked in the field, received
training, and have some ideas on how to help you. The others are experts in
marketing. Be sure and distinguish between the two.
Remember way back when the barbers who cut hair were also the
"doctors?" They weren't trained, caused lots of damage, but that was
the only choice. Well, we don't live in the "wild West" anymore, and
there are plenty of real experts. Get their advice and avoid the damage of
well-meaning but ill-equipped "experts."
4) Do everything at once! Hey, if a little is good, a lot is better. . .
right?
Wrong! Many marriages have suffered from neglect for too long, until one
day someone wakes up and says "enough." Then the other person jumps
into high gear! They try to make "date nights," meaningful conversations,
do the housework, get another job. . . just about anything to make it work!
Instead, pick a couple of things. Be consistent with them, and try a slow
approach. Building from zero takes some time. But if you try the
"everything at once" approach, you will scare your spouse away.
3) Argue, beg, plead, and show your emotions. Surely your spouse will see
your sincerity to save the marriage!
This is a very common situation. You see, we all are master
"scriptwriters," often ready for Hollywood. . . at least in our
minds! We assume a spouse will see the wisdom of our logic, emotions, begging
and pleading. Problem is, they are working off a different script.
If I throw someone a rope and when they grab it, I start pulling, their
reflex is to pull back, matching power with power. It is no different in verbal
tug-of-war. The harder I try to convince someone of something counter to what
they have said, the reflex for that person to become even more entrenched in
the belief.
So the arguing, "reasoning," begging and pleading have the
opposite effect and actually hasten the dissolution of the relationship.
2) Let your spouse know your theory about how this is really about their
"issue." Then they will see how unhealthy they are!
Here is how to throw even more gas on the fire: when your spouse says he or
she wants to leave, point out how it is a) their midlife crisis, b) they are
never satisfied, c) really about their dysfunctional family, c) some other
diagnosis you read about or saw on Oprah or Dr. Phil.
You may be dead-on! Problem is, you are not going to be seen as an
objective provider of a diagnosis. Instead, you will only be strengthening the
sense of frustration that your spouse is feeling. Diagnosis is best done, if at
all, by an impartial, outside expert or by one's self.
1) Try to prove how much you need them! Surely, just seeing they are needed
will get them to stay!
Neediness is never attractive, and when someone wants to leave, feeling the
neediness only throws fuel on the fire. People want to be wanted, but not
desperately needed! And in the midst of a crisis, the last thing someone wants
is to feel manipulated.
I've seen people threaten to kill themselves to prove how much they need
the other person. I have seen people refuse to pay bills, eat, take care of the
kids, take care of the house, etc., etc., etc. And in every case, the person
who wants out says "see?" It's hard to argue with that. Being needy
is never attractive, and is even more so when someone wants nothing more than
to not be needed.
Well, that is MY top ten list of how NOT to save a marriage while trying to
save it. I could go on for many more. I think I have seen every mistake
possible.
My hope is not that you become discouraged, but that you think through what
you are doing and how you are doing it as you try to save your marriage. There
is little more noble or heroic in today's society than trying to hold a
relationship together. I just want to stress the need to do so in helpful, not
harmful ways.
Avoid all the mistakes and get the best information available! Grab the
COMPLETE Save The Marriage System.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Lee_H._Baucom,_Ph.D.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/2063797
