3 Keys To Transform Your Marriage

3 Keys To Transform Your Marriage

Recognizing you have a marriage problem is the first step along the road to transforming your marriage, and for most couples simply acknowledging there is a problem shatters the marriage myth. According to love stories, movies, and fairytales we are supposed to live 'happily ever after'. But what happens when Snow White develops a drinking problem? What happens when Robin Hood's long working hours start affecting his marriage to Maid Marian? What happens when Cinderella says she has 'fallen out of love'? 

We are taught in school how to do sums, how to read and recognize Shakespeare, and how to conduct scientific experiments, but what do we really know about the greatest social experiment of all, namely our ability to keep the love alive in our marriage?

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The fact is we know surprisingly little, and from the moment we say "I do," we are literally flying by the seat of our pants. We don't get a manual or a textbook telling us how to get it right, so our marriage becomes an evolving set of experiments, learning and discovering more and more about ourselves and each other, and figuring out what works and what doesn't. Some say if we don't make mistakes we don't really learn, but what do those mistakes cost us, and is the cost too high for some couples?

That's why I have 3 ways to instantly transform your marriage. These are 3 things that you know will work and will help you get your marriage back on track. Let's call this your error-free way to redeem yourself and your marriage in the eyes of your partner and show them that you are committed to making positive changes in your marriage.

The first key to transforming your marriage is to stop looking at your issues on a case-by-case basis. Couples that try to solve arguments by going into the small details of every argument are never really going to deal with the big stuff. I'm talking about the issues that REALLY matter in your marriage, and the issues that keep coming up in every disagreement.

Spend too much time at work? Partner feeling unappreciated? Don't make love as much as you used to? Either of you feeling unfulfilled by your lifestyle or the relationship? Is the communication poor in your relationship? Does your need to always be right override the feelings of your partner? Spend less time worrying about the details and more time examining the issues and themes behind your arguments.

* The issue is your job. The theme behind this may be balance between work and home life.
* The issue is you not doing enough chores. The theme behind may be that you are being invited into making a greater contribution into coupledom.
* The issue is your partner being grumpy with you all the time. The theme is your partner needing to feel validated in the relationship

If you have a greater understanding of what the key themes are behind your marriage issues you are better able to develop effective solutions that will really make a difference.

The second key to transforming your relationship is to examine your beliefs about marriage. It's okay to not have the fairytale marriage. Even the best couples don't always get it right. But what makes the imperfections good or bad is how you choose as a couple to deal with it. When you disagree about something, do you sit down and talk about it, or is your first instinct to deny that there is a problem and hope that it will all go away?

You need to understand that it is okay to be imperfect. In fact, admitting this to yourself and your partner can be one of the most liberating actions you take in transforming your marriage. Admitting your imperfections exposes a vulnerability that can bring you closer together as you find ways to get some meaning out of your issues. Acknowledging that you do make mistakes can open the door to acknowledging that there is a better way to do things, and one of the lessons we are called into as a couple is finding that solution together. Make a list of things that you have learnt since you got married, and a list of areas that you as a couple can both improve on. Then try sharing that list with your partner and ask them to contribute their thoughts.

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The third key to transforming your relationship is in recognizing the differences between men and women, and acknowledging the importance of both roles in the relationship. Just because your partner views something different to you doesn't make them wrong, and the same goes for you. There are often several interpretations of the truth, and the key to marriage success is in recognizing that women and men have key fundamental differences in the way they view things. For men, their view may be a much more task-oriented approach to fixing an issue, where a woman may focus more on the emotional process as you both navigate your way through marriage issues. While both approaches are different, with compromise they can both achieve the same result.

Write down 5 themes or issues. Then I want you to write down 5 task-oriented ways of trying to solve the situation. Then list 5 thoughts-based ways of communicating your way to a solution.

The first step to transforming your marriage is in transforming YOU. Being married can be scary enough, but having marriage problems and not knowing how to fix them can be paralyzing! All it takes is the ability to step outside your day-to-day issues and look at different ways of viewing your marriage. Every marriage problem invites you into growing and offers you and your partner the opportunity to learn.

Now it's up to you to take what you have learned and apply it to YOUR marriage. You too can have a fairytale marriage!

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Saving Marriage With Unconditional Love

Saving Marriage With Unconditional Love


What are the essential ingredients in an ideal relationship?

In the middle of a workshop recently a pertinent question was asked about what creates the ideal relationship. We were asked to think of a relationship we had with something in the last week that in one's mind was the ideal relationship, and to think of what it was about that relationship that made it ideal.

A number of men in the group thought of their cars, tool sheds, families, workmates, old friends, even relationships with objects such as their television remote, recliner chair, or favorite pair of shoes. To each of these men, these things felt comfortable, and simple. The relationships they had with these people or objects was rewarding and easy to maintain.

A number of women considered kitchen appliances, favorite clothes or shoes, old friends, neighbours, and treasured items in their lives, and the bond that they had created either between people or with items they used in their lives. Words such as reliable, dependable, and comforting were used.

When my turn came to identify my ideal relationship, I thought of my dog. My dog has very simple needs, requiring only food, shelter, and love. No matter how my day has been or what kind of mood I'm in, when I get home at night and I'm greeted in such an authentic, transparent, and enthusiastic fashion. My dog is always excited to see me, and it's very humbling when you consider it.

I don't know of any others that greet me so enthusiastically night after night. No matter how long I have been away from the house or no matter how my day has been. His needs are few, yet he gives so much. I call this unconditional love.

So what is unconditional love?

Unconditional love is the type of love that comes without conditions. It is the type of love that you have for your partner when the romantic, hollywood-style love is gone. Once the romantic love is gone you make the transition to "real" love. Real love is love you have for your partner despite the knowledge that they are not perfect.

You know by now your spouse has faults. You know your spouse is not perfect. You know your spouse makes mistakes sometimes, but that's okay. You still love them. You love your spouse because of those imperfections rather than in spite of them.

This is unconditional love.

The same thing applies to you however in looking at your partner's faults. You acknowledge that you are the same. You have faults. You are not perfect. You know you make mistakes sometimes, but that's okay. That's called self-acceptance, and you expect unconditional love to overcome the faults and imperfections that people have.

So what do you get from this then? Should we all go out and get dogs to teach us something about unconditional love? Maybe there is a lesson to be learnt here. We all clutter our lives with thoughts and emotions, trials and tribulations, and there is the temptation to let our issues become bigger than they really are and rule our lives.

If you are serious about saving your marriage the key is in finding ways to place the emotional clutter to one side and let your unconditional love come through. It is okay to have faults and make mistakes. It's okay to have thoughts and feelings. But above all of this is the love you have for your spouse, the love you have for one another. And love will conquer them all.

It is possible to not like your spouse or not like what they are doing and still love them. It's possible to not like where your life or your marriage is at but still love your spouse. The love you have for your spouse and your marriage can remain constant.

It's time to learn how to reconnect with your life purpose and learn to love unconditionally.




This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today.

You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your marriage recovery! My Save My Marriage Today course has helped save thousands of marriages and is guaranteed to deliver results or your money back.

You can't afford to give your marriage 50%. You need 100% - you need the BEST information now! You have to learn what it takes to save your marriage. Get the whole package that gives you REAL results ... guaranteed.

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Because your marriage deserves better!

Communication Breakdown

Communication Breakdown


It happens to the best of us. Communication is such a fickle thing, and the lines of communication can become blurred every so often, especially when love and feelings are involved. Even those who think that they are immune to the confusion of conflict can find themselves drawn into a communication breakdown when they least expect it, and chaos ensues.

Even those of us who are better equipped than many others are not immune. This happened to me on the weekend, and until to be quite honest, it took me by surprise. My spouse told me something that really hurt my feelings, and I automatically lashed back in defense.

It was a silly argument, over something as simple as a misplaced bottle of perfume. But to me, it represented something much deeper that had been simmering away for a couple of weeks. I get frustrated at having to search for something when it is not where I expect it to be, worse still when my partner has shifted it and I don't know the first place to begin searching.

Perfume, needles and thread, car keys, a Tupperware container to store my baking soda in, covers for our outdoor chairs, all were examples of instances where I had to turn the house upside-down. A simple answer from my spouse when these things were shifted would have saved me a lot of time and frustration. And the answer I got? "You need to open your eyes and organize yourself better"

I was gutted. When I come home from work I exercise the dog and cook dinner so that it is on the table by the time my partner gets home. The house is always spotless and warm, as I'm very conscious of coming home to a tidy environment.

I see this as a fundamental part of my role in coming home first, and it takes a lot of my time. To imply that I have the time to "organize yourself better" really hurt.

I don't expect praise, but I did hope that my efforts were recognized. I got told that "I don't expect you to cook my dinner every night." That was interpreted by me as ingratitude, and hurt me even more.

So where to from here? My spouse felt guilty at coming home every night to the perfect household, where I felt guilty if it wasn't perfect. It was never about me trying to make my spouse feel guilty, but it seems it did. And this is where the communication fell down. He misinterpreted my efforts, and I misinterpreted his response.

Communication, communication, communication. I needed my partner to keep me informed of where things move to. I need to be informed. I need to voice my frustration before it gets to boiling point. We both need to talk about our feelings more, and how each of our contributions to our home and our relationship make us feel, and how we interpret each others contributions.

Just because something isn't spoken about, doesn't mean it's not important. A relationship or marriage is not a competition, but for many couples it feels like it.

When people feel guilt or stress, it leads them to act funny ways. Often stress and guilt are barriers to communication. The key to overcoming them is to recognize what it is, and have the courage to talk about it. You might be able to do it as a couple, or you might want the help of a friend who can listen to the way you are communicating with each other and offer insights and advice.

We got it sorted out, and kissed and hugged. It wouldn't hurt so much if I didn't feel such love at the same time. But it served as a good reminder to me. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in your own emotions that you forget to think of the other person. You also need to entertain the possibility that you are misinterpreting each other. Talking about it is the way to expose the miscommunication and let the healing begin.

A good lesson to learn, even for the experts'



This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today.

You may be making mistakes that will jeopardize your marriage recovery! My Save My Marriage Today course has helped save thousands of marriages and is guaranteed to deliver results or your money back.

You can't afford to give your marriage 50%. You need 100% - you need the BEST information now! You have to learn what it takes to save your marriage. Get the whole package that gives you REAL results ... guaranteed.

You have to go to: save my marriage

Because your marriage deserves better!

Rule 1 For Saving Your Marriage

Everything started fine for Sue and Bill. They met in college, dated through their first few years out, and found good jobs. After 5 years of dating, it was time for the next step.

So surrounded by family and friends, they married and started their life together. They split the bills, split house duties, and carried on with life.

About 9 years into their marriage, they arrived in my office, both completely depleted, each feeling like he/she was carrying the burden of everything.

In the first 15 minutes, each tried to top the other on their contribution, and how important what he/she did as compared to the other.

And with that, I knew that Sue and Bill had made the single biggest mistake in marriage. They were so close to the secret to a successful marriage, but never made it.

Do you want to know the one, biggest, simplest, and most difficult secret of marriage? It is right in front of you, but you may miss just how important this one is.

And how subtle the difference is between marriages that fail and those that succeed.

In fact, this is the one piece of information I try to get into every person I see BEFORE they get married. And it is my central goal of working with couples both before and after they marry.

Miss this one, and you will always be caught in malnourished and hobbled relationship.

Ready? Marriage is about building a WE. It is about becoming a solid team, always having each other's back, and always in each other's corner.

WE. Get there, and you will have a successful marriage. Notice, I did not say you would have a trouble-free marriage. Only that you would have a successful marriage.

Every single marriage in the world has challenges and difficult times. The question is really about how you approach the difficulties, not whether you have them.

Being a WE is what gets you through the difficulties.

First, let's talk about what this does NOT mean. This is not being in a permanent "mind-meld" with the other person -- liking the same things, wanting the same things, thinking the same things, completing each other's sentences, blah, blah, blah.

That is a way of pretending you are just alike. It is a false sense of connection that will only last until one or both become honest about who they are.

Second, it is not giving up yourself for the other person, or the other person giving him- or herself up for you.

And perhaps an obvious third, it is not about building separate lives that come together to pay bills, take care of the house, and raise the kids.

It is about two people deciding -- committing -- to being a team, a unit, a new entity. It is about each supporting the other, but also looking out for what is best for BOTH, for "the whole."

This is that crucial and subtle difference. You can be part of a team, but still see it as a way to get what YOU want. But seeing yourself as part of something that is an entirely new entity -- that is the subtle distinction. It is not cooperation.

It is about being a WE, a new entity.

How close to that are you today?

Do you find yourselves in power struggles?

Do you argue about money, sex, parenting, and other central issues?

Do those arguments often end with little-to-no movement?

Do you feel like you are in a stalemate?

Do you both constantly keep saying (silently or out loud) "What about me?"

Do you feel like you are headed in different directions?

Do you feel the need to disagree or argue your point, even when you mostly or completely agree?

The more you answered "yes" to the above the more you can be sure you have not "made the leap" to being a WE.

Or perhaps you can answer this one question "Do I feel more alone than I want to in this relationship?" If that is "yes," then you know that you are not quite there.

But that doesn't mean it is your fault! Quite the opposite. Unfortunately, our culture does a very bad job in preparing people for marriage.

In other words, nobody told you the goal of marriage was to build a WE, and if they did, they probably didn't tell you:

a) how to do it, and
b) how subtle it can be.

Some couples actually make it there, almost by accident. Others seem to struggle against it, refusing to see the obvious need to get there.

So, let me make a blanket statement: I have never, in well over 20 years of working with couples, seen a couple who made it to WE end in divorce.

But I have seen, repeatedly, when a couple does not get there, the relationship at least deteriorates over time, ending in divorce or internal separation.

There are several reasons why people don't make it to WE. Quickly, let's look at why people don't get there.

Lack of understanding that this is the goal.

This is where our culture has failed us. We have done a poor job, as a society, of letting people know this is even what marriage is about. Thus nearly 50% of marriages end.

Fear of a loss of individuality.

While this is not what happens, since there is so poor of an understanding, people fear this. Again, this is merely a misunderstanding of what it means to be a WE.

Caught in a Fear/Anger cycle.

So, if you don't know this is the goal, and you get caught in the ensuing power struggles, over time, the anger builds. And anger is really a secondary response to fear. The fear is that you will not get what you need, which triggers a very primitive response, which only leads to more power struggle, more fear, more anger.

Perceptions and Misperceptions of each other.

And once you have slipped into the power struggle, and the anger/fear cycle, you begin to justify the situation. We all misperceive the other person. We begin to only see the shortcomings, the lack of investment, etc. At that point, the perception is that the other person is not on your side.

Which raises the question, "How do you get there? How do you become a WE?"

Let me assure you it is possible, and it is even possible if one of you is resistant to getting there.

And let me assure you that we humans are actually designed for this. We are wired to be in relationship, to create that level of relating.

What we really have to do is get ourselves out of our own way and let what should happen actually happen -- become a WE!

Starting Points:

Do not try to address WE with your spouse. Don't announce that you have discovered the secret, and your spouse needs to get on board!

Work on YOUR concept of WE.

Until you understand WE as a concept, you cannot expect your spouse to accept it.

Specific Steps To Being a WE:

Step 1

Make a careful examination of the places that you think "you/me" instead of WE.

Remind yourself that you are part of a WE.

Ask yourself this, "Where do I need to let my spouse in MY world?"

Step 2

Train yourself to think in terms of "we" and "us," not "you" or "me."

Whenever there is a decision, ask the magic question:

What is best for US?

This is a "magic question" because: The answer is more creative than "what is best for me" or "what is best for you."

It forces you to move to WE.

Step 3

Accept YOUR FULL RESPONSIBILITY to be a WE, regardless of your spouse's outlook or actions.

Refuse to be lured into an "if you don't, I won't" approach.

Invite your spouse into WE by your actions, not your expectations.

Are you ready to save your marriage? Visit us at:save your marriage

credit to: Lee H. Baucom

The Secret To Great Relationships: Improve Yourself

Relationships play an important part in our lives but they are tricky to get right. According to most popular relationship guidance the keys to successful relationships are said to be things like good communication, being honest about your feelings, being affectionate often, showing gratitude, and so on. But I feel these items are missing the point. Don't get me wrong, they are great ways to maintain a strong relationship but they are merely subsets, or derivatives, of a more important relationship requirement: that each person in the relationship is living their own individual lives to their full potential.

How we live our life as an individual defines how we live our life as part of a relationship. If we are not true to ourselves, not living our lives to our full individual potential, then how could we fully commit ourselves to building a successful and wonderful relationship? It's not possible. The effort that each person brings into a relationship is directly related to the effort they put in to themselves as an individual.

A wise woman (my mum) once said... 

If you are not living to your whole individual potential, then you can never be the full half of a relationship

People that are willing to accept underachieving, mediocrity, or are just happy to be "above average" will get that exact same level of quality in their relationships. Why? Because they will think that to contribute (and receive) "above average" is all they need for their relationships.

Relationships require sacrifices
Being in a relationship requires effort. A lot of effort actually. Ignoring all the nice thing about relationships (romance, passion and so on) relationships are really just the union of two people (unless you're a polygamist) that can function as a single unit to work towards common goals. That sounds a bit cold but stay with me, I'm making a point here.:P

Relationships provide us with many benefits including pooling resources (e.g. money, house, cars), sharing experiences (e.g. travel, new activities), and bringing happiness through emotional connection. But all this requires a concerted effort because sometimes the decisions made as a functioning couple may actually be in opposition to the desires of one of the individuals. This is what most relationship experts call making a sacrifice.

Sacrifices are very important in a relationship. Being part of a relationships requires an individual to consider the needs and thoughts of the other person, and sometimes even place those ahead of their own. That is, there are times when an individual must make a sacrifice for the sake of improving/helping the relationship or the other person.

But, and here's the catch, a person who is not fully living their own life as an individual will be less likely to choose to make a sacrifice. A person that feels like they are "missing out" in their life, that they have not achieved everything they want, or that their life has been wasted, is not someone who will willingly make a sacrifice.

It is only when you are truly happy being alone that you can become selfless and dedicate yourself fully to someone else.

Live your own life
What exactly does "living your own life" mean and why is it so important? Put simply, every second of our lives is spent with ourselves, living in our own minds. We cannot take a break from it, we cannot go live someone else's life, and we cannot simply shut it off if we don't like what is happening. It's our life and we have to live it 24/7.

No relationship that we start will ever come close to this level of time in our lives. Even if we managed to spend every single second with our partner we will still not ever be as fully immersed in the relationship frame of mind in comparison to the individual frame of mind. Our brains are wired to think as an individual and it is only through a conscious decision that we move into the relationship frame of thinking, but even so it is still our individual mind that was activated first and had to make that choice.

As such the attitude we take to our life as an individual is what shapes everything else around us. The way we choose to live, think, and behave as an individual pervades our entire life. As previously mentioned, every second of our life we are living as an individual, therefore every second of our life is determined by how we treat ourselves as an individual. If we do not respect ourselves, or cannot be honest with ourselves, then it is impossible to expect anything else from our life. This includes our work, our family and our relationships.

If you are not fully living your life to your maximum potential then you can never fully contribute to a relationship.

An Example (using Maths!)
Most health relationships function with a roughly 50:50 split of contribution between the two people involved. Let's consider an example relationship with a fictitious couple where the two people have a pretty decent life - they both work in respected professions, both have good incomes, maybe they have some children, a few close friends, they've ticked a few things of their bucket lists, and they are relatively content with their life. But contentment is not necessarily happiness is it?

Looking a bit deeper it is obvious that both are not operating to their full individual capacity. For whatever reasons they are coasting through life, content with being "above average". For this example we'll say that they are both only functioning to 50% of their true individual capability.

Doing the simple math, it becomes obvious that the maximum each person can contribute to the relationship is 25% (50% effort x 50% contribution = 25%) and when combined that only comes to a grand total of 50% effort for their entire relationship. That means their happy little life together will only ever reach half of it's maximum potential. Their relationship may be good now, but it has the potential to be so much better if they just put a bit more effort into their own individual happiness.

This example might seem overly simple but it was done that way for a reason. Because it is actually this simple! If each person is only bothering to achieve 50% compared to their actual ability then they will put the same (or less) effort into their relationships, and the result will always be a relationship that is just good instead of being the wonderful and exciting adventure that it should be.

How to fix it
The answer should have struck you by now, but I'll spell it out just in case. If you are not living your life to your full potential, not chasing your dreams, and not being 100% honest to yourself then you are sabotaging your life and ruining your relationships.

If this sounds like you then you need to start making some positive changes in your life. Find what excites you in life, be honest at all times, try new things, and never give up on your dreams. Do not settle for "above average". Do not lower your standards to accept what is nearby and common, but rather set your goals higher and see what steps up to meet those lofty heights.

click here: save your marriage

credit to: Zac Sky

Tips for Building a Loving and Happy Relationship

No one is perfect. No one ever taught us how to build strong loving relationships. But luckily, there are love tips on how to build and maintain a strong, romantic relationship your partner.

Be open and trust each other

When someone is trying to explain a situation, don't interrupt. Even if frustration is taking over, learn to fight fairly. Apologize when needed and do not make threats. If one is really mad, just stop. Just create some space, calm down and reflect. Continue the conversation when one's head has cooled off.

Don't mix the feelings from the facts

To be able to resolve conflicts and see your partner more clearly, one should separate the facts from the feelings. Ask yourself: could there be something in the past that has influenced how I see the situation right now? Judging from instincts is bad for a relationship.

Let Your Whole Body Decide

When making decisions, it's essential to connect with the parts of one's body. Consider what the mid thinks is right, what the heart really wants and if the gut can take it. For example: My mind says "she has so many flaws" but the heart says "she's the perfect woman". Let the different parts of the body communicate. This way, one will find the perfect answer that comes from the whole self.

Be Compassionate

Observe your partner without judging him/her. Being compassionate makes a person connected, open and able to have a respectful conversation with your partner. As a person improves to see the partner compassionately, rather than just reacting, one will be able to choose a response.

Cooperate

A couple must work together in order to maintain a strong relationship. Even though sacrifices have to be made, it is what keeps the relationship stronger for it shows love for one another. Also remember that a couple's differences are not negatives. Being with someone who is exactly like you is sort of boring. Sometimes, people fear that the differences are the ones that make people incompatible, but actually, it makes the relationship more thrilling.

Make Time for Your Relationship

Whatever the person's job is, one should make time for one's partner. This is the only way a couple can maintain a strong relationship physically, emotionally and spiritually.

When in Doubt, Ask Questions

Most of the time, people think that just because one's partner doesn't want to make love, it means that the partner's feelings are gone. In those kinds of situations, never assume. It's best to get the answer from the partner. If he/she doesn't want to talk about it, give it some time and talk about it in a week or two.

Discuss the Hard Topics from Love

Know the hard topics that you aren't discussing with your partner. It is essential to say what one wants and needs to say because this may affect the future relationship of the couple.

There you have it, love tips to build and maintain a strong, happy relationship with your loved one. Remember that change takes time and every little step counts.

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credit to: Jared D. Ingram

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